I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
