We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
