we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
