Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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