I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
