The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
