Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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