This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
