I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
