Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
