They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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