We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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