I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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