he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
