I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
