Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
