Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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