i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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