you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
