Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
