My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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