Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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