"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
