oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So here I am, sexting at work.
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