Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
