How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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