I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
