your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
