I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
