Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
