Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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