"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
