yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
