I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
