Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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