how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
