Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
