So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
