I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
