everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
