I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I could fuck to npr.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
