Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
