I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
