you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
