i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
