my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
