hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
