Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
whose parrot is this?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
