Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
