I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
