Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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